Positive strokes

One of the books I'm writing (Should I Sleep with the Boss?) is on the topic of enhancing your career. And a big theme running through it is how to influence others more effectively.

Did you know that most criticism falls on deaf ears? If you tell someone about a mistake they made in their work, perhaps an errand they could have done better, or something they didn't do at home, they may pretend to listen, but much of the time they are busily justifying it to themselves.

Instead, focus on giving positive feedback instead. Rather than criticising bad behaviour, try to focus on what people did right. If you're trying to get someone to behave differently at work or home, praise what they do right. Compliment them on it sincerely and show your appreciation for their efforts - do it genuinely and you will find they do more of the right behaviour. Eventually the good behaviours will replace the bad behaviours.

It's a small but potent difference. Try it.

Improve your life

I pick up self-help and management books all the time. And I've been skimming my way through one - it wasn't very good. I don't want to embarrass the author by naming the book! Because in just over 200 pages, I think I learned approximately, er, nothing.

Except for this one gem:

Once a week, ask for a suggestion from somebody and do what he or she says, even if you find it difficult. See what happens.

I like that. I might try it.

If you try it, let me know how you get on.

Self-awareness - and most people's lack of it

Think you have a good sense of humour? Think you are a better than average driver? The answers are probably yes.

It may be true for you, dear reader. But studies generally show that most people actually have very little self-awareness of their actual strengths and weaknesses. To get technical, the research shows that the correlation between self-perceptions and performance typically hovers around 0.29 - which ain't very high at all.

This is true also of skills in the workplace.

This was brought home to me just last week when I was running an assessment centre for some senior managers. The managers were applying for a senior role that would have put them in charge of ten times as many people as they currently had responsibility for. And as part of the assessment centre, they had to give a 20-minute presentation and then answer questions for another 20 minutes. But I was gob-smacked by how bad some of them were. Some of these guys had put themselves forward for this job even though they were clearly, clearly wrong for the job. All of us interviewers could see it and we felt embarrassed for them. But the amazing bit was that they didn't realise that they were totally out of their depth at all.

The reality is that most people overestimate their ability. And the ones who underestimate their ability are often the ones who are actually better at it then average! In other words, hardly anyone ever thinks that they are 'average'. In fact, the average person believes themselves to be more socially skilled, disciplined, leader-like, and better judges of character than the average person. Clearly, even a basic understanding of maths shows that the average person can't be above average!

To go on, most people overestimate how long it will take to do tasks. Most people at work overestimate their popularity. Most people at work underestimate the extent to which their mistakes have been noticed by the people around them.

Unfortunately, these biases make us not very good at the stuff we want to do! It leads us to make more mistakes and to get into situations for which we are clearly not qualified.

Let's cut to the chase. What can you do about it?

Ask for feedback. The research clearly shows that other people are usually better able to predict our success in a variety of situations than we ourselves are able to do. They can often see that our romances are doomed. They can see that we should quit a job because it's wrong for us, or that we should go for a promotion because it's right for us (even if we think we aren't good enough). They can see that we haven't done enough preparation for a big presentation or that we don't have the skill to take on a certain project.

So ask.

But it's tough. I'm sure you can think of plenty of instances in which you've seen other people lacking self-awareness. The trick is learning to identify when it's you who is lacking that critical self-awareness.

Does your reputation proceed you?

How would you describe yourself? Perhaps you think of yourself as confident. But what if others see you as a little too confident and crossing the line into arrogance? Or what if people secretly think you lack confidence and are actually tetchy and nervous?

How others see us creates our reputation. And, whether you like it or not, and whether you make any effort or not, you have a reputation among your colleagues and clients. And, unfortunately, many people’s reputations are not enhancing their credibility but actively damaging it.

A business magazine just asked me to write an article on the topic. So I did.

The key to managing your reputation is to ask people how they see you. Get feedback. Get advice. And then act on it.

Ha ha, I think I've just managed to sum up a 1200-word article in about four sentences.

But if you'd like to get more information on the topic, you can click here.